So James Martin has left Saturday Kitchen – adieu, James, we loved watching you – which means that the BBC will need a new presenter. As such, I would like to put myself forward as the leading candidate. I mean, why would you look any further:
- I have been presenting my own TV show, Christoffel Cooks, on Mad4IT TV for, well, ages now. (Admittedly, Ainsley Harricot has been helping but, well, he’s not really SK material is he).
- I am the creator and chef for such culinary classics as The British Rail Experience, New Forest Foraged Ant Legs, Roast Roadkill and the World’s Most Expensive Fish Fingers.
- I also cook the classics – witness my Simple Crème Brûlée which no-one else seems to serve nowadays – and controversial food such as Guinea Pig (where the customers can choose their own cavy to be cooked).
- And as per my biog, I did my training with Jamie’s Olives co. and model my restaurant on Heston Services.
But above all, my cooking and I are unreal. I think you know what that means.
I await my invitation from the Beeb.