27 – Over the Moon


Do I have an announcement for you! After months (years?) of watching other chefs get franchises and concessions everywhere from airports and theme parks to motorway service stations and posh department stores, I have finally got my own – and I promise you it is the ultimate coup de grâce.

It all started a few weeks ago when I was approached by an exclusive estate agent, Mica O’Manna, who offered me this one-time opportunity. Mica explained what I could get and I couldn’t believe it. It took me just 24 hours to decide and then I jumped at it.

So what is this great franchise, this incredible out of this world option, this one-time only amazing chance to put The Smoked Sausage really and truly on the global map? Hang on to your hats and let me tell you that I, Chef Christoffel Beyope, have bought the rights to be the only person who can build an eating establishment… on the moon!

Beycope on the Moon.

It’s got a ring to it, yes?

And what it means is that no-one else – no-one else – can open any restaurant, café, eatery, diner, food truck, food stall or even a fromagerie on the surface of the moon – just me. No McD’s, KFC, Ramsay, Noma or any other so-called popular eating hole – just me. And absolutely no Bologna Pony! I suppose I could sell them a sub-concession but, well, will I bol***** – it will just be me.

I do have to admit that when I first met O’Manna, I was a bit sceptical about the opportunity, but when Mica explained to me that in less than ten years time, there will be the first small town on the moon, and by 2030 there will be at least two or three major cities, accommodating upwards of one to two million people, well I couldn’t believe it. But it’s obvious if you think about it, I mean, where else is man going to go? We can’t all stay here on Earth? Just listen to Richard Branson or Nigel Farage. Or Donald Trump. (Well, maybe not Trump).

But the best bit, the best bit I haven’t even told you yet. And that is the price I had to pay. Go on guess, I bet you can’t.

For all the above I only have to fork out $250,000. That’s all! You can’t even open a restaurant in Knightsbridge or Bray for that amount. I almost choked when Mica told me that figure. It did cross my mind to tell him that this business was a snip at that price, but then I thought better of it. If he wants to make such little income then that’s up to him.

And just in case any other celebrity chefs are thinking of muscling in on the deal, I should tell you that it will all get finalised this week. I have already paid the $100,000 down payment by PayPal to O’Manna’s Cayman Island bank account, and I will be receiving the certificate and deeds any day now. (It was quite hard getting PayPal to accept a payment of that size but I managed it in the end).

Over the moon? You could say that.