24 – The Moules Marinière Full 3D Seascape Experience


New to our menu this March – look out for a real interactive, 3D Dining Experience. At the heart of this dish is a classic moules marinière with cream, garlic and parsley, you absolutely can’t beat it. But I’ve always remembered times of my youth, eating mussels straight off the boat from a Normandy beach in winter and as such I’ve always felt that eating moules marinière at a comfortable restaurant table – albeit a damn good restaurant table – never quite gave you the same providence. Until now.

Because when we serve you our moules marinière it comes with a seascape of sounds, smells and fresh sea breeze.

The sounds are produced from a micro MP3 player and wireless headphones plugged into your ears – the cries of the seagulls, the crash of the waves, the blast of the horn from the returning fishing boats. Topped off with French fishermen’s finer language.

Additional smells are also pumped across your table: the smell of the seagulls, the saltiness of the waves, paving stones danced on by rain. Complemented by the aroma of French fishermen’s boat exhausts. I’m not saying it will make you sick but you’ll need a strong stomach. Think you can take it?

And the pièce de résistance: the wind machine and rain simulator. I don’t want to spoil this for you but let’s just say that you’ll need the oilskin jacket. You can even buy the jacket after as a souvenir after the meal (and a 10% discount if you mention this blog) if you want something to remind you forever of this unique dining experience.

23 – Banana Appeals


I’ve been experimenting recently with cooking a few things which most normal chefs would just discard. And one of my successes has been the banana peel. And next month will see one or two of my new inventions hit the Sausage menu.

It’s funny how popular this has been with some of my sous chefs and even my head waiter, Gordon. Not only have they embraced the concept of using up all the banana skins in new recipes, but they have even taken away some of the more stringy parts of the peel for “our own experiments” as Gordon explained to me. Certainly there has been a lot more laughter in the kitchen since they started. And a lot more smoking breaks. And some of the chefs who I am sure used to smoke cigarettes are now smoking roll-ups. Good for them, I say.

Some of this is what you can expect from our new menu now or over the coming months:

  • Banana peel curry. The peel is an amazing addition to a classic Indian curry, and adds a unique sweetness and texture.
  • Deep fried Banana Skins: sliced very thinly and with a secret selection of spices, and a ginger ice cream. Delicious.
  • Banana skin huts: I won’t tell you more yet – but they are something to behold.

I tell you, other chefs will be copying me in no time. Hashtag food trend.

20 – Valentine Day Menu Announced


We have announced our Valentine Day menu which you can see here. There is a choice of three starters and two main courses but our real show-stoppers are the “après-sex” deserts:

Post-coital Cigarette
White chocolate tunnel, gold leaf, ‘Lovers’ embossed on the side,
brought to your table and set light so it smokes

Chocolate Box
Quite literally, a 3″ square shallow box made of chocolate, with 4 compartments in it,
each with a variation of a chocolate heart in an edible wrapper

Cream Pie
Stuff your face

Enjoy you lovers, enjoy.

18 – New Menu for February

It’s the start of the month and so as usual we have a new menu. We don’t change everything on it, some of the old favourites remain (The British Rail Experience, Roast Roadkill and others) but we try to freshen it up every month as the seasons change.

This month, the new dishes include the following:

  • Appetisers: Deconstructed Soup and Pearl Necklace – the latter comes with seafood all over your plate.
  • Mains: Roast Dinner Puréeall the taste of a roast meal complete with vegetables & gravy
    but puréed into a drink (chicken, beef or pork); and The World’s Most Expensive Fish Fingers (I’ll be expanding on that in a later post).
  • Puddings: Simple Crème Brûlée (as I recently blogged about); and Apricot and Vanilla Sticky Fly Paper – this is a wafer thin sugar-wafer, twisted in long loops, with apricot and vanilla seasoning, and a few spots of nutmeg for the effect of reality.

You can see the whole menu here.

We’ve also got a special Valentine Day menu, which we will announcing soon. Definitely not to be missed for you lovers.

16 – Foraged Ant Legs


We sadly have to report that we have run out of ants legs; and we therefore cannot serve our ‘Foraged Ants Legs from the New Forest’ appetiser for the remainder of this season. We are looking to see if we can source them elsewhere but I am concerned they won’t have the same texture or distinct New Forest flavour. (Apparently you can get Danish Ants which noma in Copenhagen use, but, well, Danish ants? Really?)

It has been one of our most popular starters, but the recent snow must have sent the ants underground. Apparently ants do hibernate – who knew? – so although it appears it was warm enough to mean our supplier could keep foraging until recently, he now reports there are no more for the season.

(I do hope it is the weather and not the fact that we have just eaten so many that the New Forest ant has become an endangered species? Surely not. I mean, they can mate without legs can’t they?)

Not to worry – our February menu is just around the corner, with new dishes across all three courses. Watch this space!

15 – Biscuits

TV biscuits

In the latest episode of my TV series, Christoffel Cooks, the TV company asked me to bake a cake. I almost choked on my suckling pig. Who do they think I am – Delia? We compromised on biscuits and we agreed I would cook 6 variants. But in the Smoked Sausage way.

This is what I cooked:

  • Squashed fly biscuits – not Garibaldi biscuits, real squashed flies. Flavoursome.
  • Butterfly wing biscuits – beautiful chocolate & sugar work that emulates a small brown butterfly landing on them. (Obviously not real butterfly wings… really…)
  • Pigs’ blood ‘jammy dodger’ biscuits – it gives them a wonderful crimson hue and a real kick.
  • Doggy biscuits: same ingredients as other biscuits but shaped as bones. Good one for parties.
  • Plain biscuits. Well why not? Shows the true contrast of the other variants. And proves I can bake a better biscuit than Delia any day.
  • Real Pony-and-trap biscuits not from Bologna.

The ‘Real Pony-and-trap biscuits not from Bologna’ were my final serving of the day (a red and green fusion) and, I would like to say, were not intended to cast any sort of aspersions on any other restaurant near mine. I mean, would I say that biscuits baked in another restaurant were a right pile of pony? Come on…