12 – The Melting Snowman


With all this snow, it of course makes it much harder for our customers to get to The Smoked Sausage at the moment. We wanted to reward them when they do so, so we have created the Melting Snowman as a free addition to our desert dishes:

The Melting Snowman is a 6 inch snowman made out of snow and ice which we bring to the table in its own dish. And as it melts it reveals a small but delicious present inside for the diners: a home-made chocolate, sugar candy, the Sausage Lemon Bomb or something else equally as enticing.

It’s our way of saying thanks for coming.

10 – Simple Crème Brûlée


Next month we are adding something really radical to our menu: Simple Crème brûlée. No frills, nothing supplementary, no hidden ingredients – just straight forward, vanilla crème brûlée. And yes, I know this doesn’t sound radical but there is one simple reason why it is so: because every other freakin’ chef I know at the moment just will not leave this classic dish alone and insists on abusing and ruining it with some sort of  unnecessary, horrendous,  abhorrence of an addition. And then says it’s great.

Well it isn’t.

e bloody g: I have had it up to here with raspberry versions and gooseberry versions, banana varieties and every-other-fruit-under-the-sun versions. Chocolate renditions. Chocolate! Why?! Chocolate is wonderful in so many dishes but in crème brûlée: no! Leave it out.

And then you have even worse adaptations: pumpkin crème brûlée and onion crème brûlée, for example – pumpkin and onion?!! Are you kidding me? I’ve even seen sweet potato crème brûlée and Gorgonzola and Leek crème brûlée. OMFG!

Now listen. You know that I, one of the restaurant and catering industry’s most extreme and radical chefs, love something different. I love challenging diners. And I love serving good food. But if something is sh*t then something is sh*t. And that is what crème brûlée variations are. Just sh*t.

So next month, try our radical, original, (unbelievably – sadly and literally) unique, simple crème brûlée. And leave the sh*t alone.

8 – Rabbit: Head to Tail

Taking it Apart and Putting it Together Again

rabbit-slicedFor the second episode of my TV series, Christoffel Cooks, the TV company asked me to cook “something different”. As if my Roast Roadkill which I cooked in the first programme wasn’t different enough. But I bit my tongue and agreed.

I suggested rabbit, but before I could explain the full concept – not as you will have ever seen it cooked before – my co-presenter, Ainsley Harricot was laughing and scoffing that rabbit was about as different as Neapolitan ice cream.

At this point, I took the producer to one side and suggested I cook it without Ainsley being aware of exactly how I was doing it. That way, he would eat it “as a customer would see it”. The producer liked that idea.

Cue carte-blanche pour moi.

I started by making some black jelly and put it in the fridge to set. More on that later.

Then I set about the rabbit, skinning it carefully, removing the nose, feet, ears and tail and putting them to one side. Then I gutted it and fried the heart, kidneys and liver in a wine reduction. (The liver is a real delicacy!) I cut up the meat from the body, fried it with shallots and baby vegetables and minced some of it to make a tartare. Then I wrapped the fur back around the cooked meat and, along with the ears, sewed it up with invisible cotton. Before (almost) finally scooping out the rabbit’s brains and eyes, seasoning them, adding a pinch of paprika and placing them back where they had come from. To complete the effect, I stuck the rabbit’s feet back under its body, using edible glue, and the bobtail back on its rear end.

Then the pièce de résistance: you may have noticed I did not replace the original nose. Instead, I retrieved the black jelly and using a modelling knife, placed it where the rabbit’s nose had been. Thus, every time you moved the rabbit, the nose wiggled as if it was still in a Sussex field and not on an exquisite dinner plate.

Done. Rabbit: cooked and re-assembled it so it looked as good as new. Nose-to-tail eating at its most extreme. Especially the nose.

Then I served it to Ainsley.

As I said, he hadn’t been told what I was doing so he didn’t know what to expect as he tucked in. He ate the main meat, got through the offal and, to be fair to him, tried sucking the feet. I didn’t encourage him to eat the eyes; I thought that was a step too far – after he gagged on the brains. There were also these pitiful cries emanating from him every time the rabbit’s nose wobbled. Before it fell off onto his plate.

Could be interesting to see what sort of response this programme gets when it airs.

7 – Interview with the Gecko Hunter

One of our most popular dishes is our Amazonian Gecko, and I have been asked where we source our ingredients. So it was fortuitous that the latest edition of Huntin’ Monthly magazine has an interview with our supplier, Steve “3 fingers” Jackson.

Here is a copy of that interview.


At this point, I would like to point out that Steve has never visited the Smoked Sausage to try my Amazonian Gecko so I don’t know where he ate it. Maybe in the Amazon over an open fire or something. Because I promise you, if he had eaten my version then he would not be calling it shit. Not unless he wanted to become Steve “2 fingers” Jackson.

4 -The British Rail Experience (UK Food Review)

Great news! The food critics from UK Food Review visited The Smoked Sausage and have written a gushing review of one of our more radical dishes, “The British Rail Experience”. Here it is in all its glory below.