28 – The Unhealthiest Foods on the Planet: Seven Course Taster Menu

unhealthy1

Eatthis.com recently published a list of the 50 most unhealthy foods on the planet – and for me, this was like a red rag to a bull. I just had to create a special menu from as many of them as possible. And the best way, I decided, was to create a 7 course taster menu.

So here for your delight and degustation is my limited-time only Unhealthiest Foods on the Planet: 7 Course Taster Menu. Dare you eat all 7 dishes?! (The numbers in brackets are where the foods appears on Eatthis’ list – I got in as many as I could!)

  1. Deep fried (#11) Chicken Nuggets (#4), battered in Sugary Cereal (#7) dried in liquid nitrogen
    ~
  2. Home-made Doritos (#24), Cheetos (#25) and Oreos (#26), with a selection of Smoked-Sausage dips
    ~
  3. White-flour (#40) breaded Tilefish (#2), marinated in Ice Tea (#1) with a Dyed Orange (#35) sauce and pickles (#49)
    ~
  4. Atlantic Salmon (#21) in a maple syrup (#20) sauce and Chips (#15)
    ~
  5. Chinese-inspired (#13) Meat balls made from processed (#10) bacon, sausage and turkey (#42), with tofu (#31) and a “mac and cheese” (#30) side
    ~
  6. Chocolate (#48) Muffins (#29) with Frozen Fruit Juice (#5) Smoothies (#18) and Dried Fruit Snacks (#47)
    ~
  7. Ice cream (#17) with crushed Candy (#6) and Microwaved Popcorn (#3)

Warning: This is not a menu for those trying to diet…

27 – Over the Moon

moon

Do I have an announcement for you! After months (years?) of watching other chefs get franchises and concessions everywhere from airports and theme parks to motorway service stations and posh department stores, I have finally got my own – and I promise you it is the ultimate coup de grâce.

It all started a few weeks ago when I was approached by an exclusive estate agent, Mica O’Manna, who offered me this one-time opportunity. Mica explained what I could get and I couldn’t believe it. It took me just 24 hours to decide and then I jumped at it.

So what is this great franchise, this incredible out of this world option, this one-time only amazing chance to put The Smoked Sausage really and truly on the global map? Hang on to your hats and let me tell you that I, Chef Christoffel Beyope, have bought the rights to be the only person who can build an eating establishment… on the moon!

Beycope on the Moon.

It’s got a ring to it, yes?

And what it means is that no-one else – no-one else – can open any restaurant, café, eatery, diner, food truck, food stall or even a fromagerie on the surface of the moon – just me. No McD’s, KFC, Ramsay, Noma or any other so-called popular eating hole – just me. And absolutely no Bologna Pony! I suppose I could sell them a sub-concession but, well, will I bol***** – it will just be me.

I do have to admit that when I first met O’Manna, I was a bit sceptical about the opportunity, but when Mica explained to me that in less than ten years time, there will be the first small town on the moon, and by 2030 there will be at least two or three major cities, accommodating upwards of one to two million people, well I couldn’t believe it. But it’s obvious if you think about it, I mean, where else is man going to go? We can’t all stay here on Earth? Just listen to Richard Branson or Nigel Farage. Or Donald Trump. (Well, maybe not Trump).

But the best bit, the best bit I haven’t even told you yet. And that is the price I had to pay. Go on guess, I bet you can’t.

For all the above I only have to fork out $250,000. That’s all! You can’t even open a restaurant in Knightsbridge or Bray for that amount. I almost choked when Mica told me that figure. It did cross my mind to tell him that this business was a snip at that price, but then I thought better of it. If he wants to make such little income then that’s up to him.

And just in case any other celebrity chefs are thinking of muscling in on the deal, I should tell you that it will all get finalised this week. I have already paid the $100,000 down payment by PayPal to O’Manna’s Cayman Island bank account, and I will be receiving the certificate and deeds any day now. (It was quite hard getting PayPal to accept a payment of that size but I managed it in the end).

Over the moon? You could say that.

26 – A Slight Faux Pas

soupx3

I wasn’t working last night at the Sausage. If I was then the following would not have happened. But it did. We need to learn our lesson. I’m sorry. I’m sorry to the customers who didn’t realise and I’m especially sorry to the poor diner whose lips swelled up and, according to my head waiter, Gordon, appeared to sprout blue splotches all over her face as he watched.

What did we do which was so bad, so heinous? Unfortunately, one of my chefs (now no longer one of my chefs) added alcohol to our soup. And not just a little alcohol but a lot of alcohol. A lot. Gin, vodka, I’m not sure what else. It wasn’t clever but it was bad.

I should also like to apologise to the customer on the nearby table who had their dinner suit speckled with vomit from the allergic diner, and in turn to their dining partner who received a plateful of pearl necklace all over her lap when her husband jumped up to avoid the vomit. (Bit of a waste of good seafood really). I also understand that the police took a lot of convincing that the poorly woman’s husband had himself not been drinking-and-driving; at least we now know that a breathalyser cannot distinguish between a glass of something which you have genuinely drunk and a bit more than a glass (or three) of something in your soup.

It was, as the French say, a slight faux pas. Or as we would say here, an absolute f****** nightmare.


PostNote: I have to tell you one more thing. The reason I wasn’t at my restaurant last night was because I was meeting a very interesting man who had an astonishing story to tell and an amazing offer for me. I can’t tell you more just yet – we are currently looking at contracts – but trust me, when you hear the news you are not going to believe your ears! It is something out of this world.

Watch this space…

22 – Why I Should Replace James Martin on Saturday Kitchen

James Martin at the Good Food Show Winter 2014So James Martin has left Saturday Kitchen – adieu, James, we loved watching you – which means that the BBC will need a new presenter. As such, I would like to put myself forward as the leading candidate. I mean, why would you look any further:

  • I have been presenting my own TV show, Christoffel Cooks, on Mad4IT TV for, well, ages now. (Admittedly, Ainsley Harricot has been helping but, well, he’s not really SK material is he).
  • I am the creator and chef for such culinary classics as The British Rail Experience, New Forest Foraged Ant Legs, Roast Roadkill and the World’s Most Expensive Fish Fingers.
  • I also cook the classics – witness my Simple Crème Brûlée which no-one else seems to serve nowadays – and controversial food such as Guinea Pig (where the customers can choose their own cavy to be cooked).
  • And as per my biog, I did my training with Jamie’s Olives co. and model my restaurant on Heston Services.

But above all, my cooking and I are unreal. I think you know what that means.

I await my invitation from the Beeb.

21 – Bins and Moles

mole

I think I almost captured the mole last night. You’ll remember that we had a problem with dogs somehow getting in to our secure grounds and pissing in the snow a while back, and more recently a strange case of Carotene Half’s lawyers accusing me of slandering Half on my TV show when that episode had not even been broadcast yet. Unsurprisingly, I smelt a mole. And today, my suspicions have increased.

Last night, after I closed up the Sausage, I remembered I had to collect some papers to work on at home, so I went back to the restaurant when it was shut up. It was nearly full moon last night and so the dining room had an eerie but very bright feel. But as I was walking between the tables I suddenly saw a flash of light from outside. Intrigued, I pushed open our back door and immediately heard a crash which sounded like two of our large wheelie bins being shoved into one another.

At first I thought the dogs might be back – you might recall that I suspect Half could have sent his dogs here – and so I ran full pelt towards the bins. But when I got there, it wasn’t a dog I saw running away, but the silhouette of a somewhat portly man as he rather clumsily squeezed himself between two bins and ran towards our back fence.

But as he clambered over the fence, he caught his jacket on a fence-post and twisted round so he was facing towards me, and as the moon was out I caught a half glimpse of his face. And I can’t quite believe what I think I saw. I had of course suspected it would be Half or one of his staff, but it wasn’t. In fact, it looked like Ainsely Harricot. It stopped me in my tracks.

Ainsley Harricot? Why would he be rifling through my waste bins? He can’t have been looking for food. But my next menu maybe? My recipe notes? I know other chefs are jealous of what I achieve.

Or maybe I was mistaken. Maybe it wasn’t Harricot. But I tell you what, I am having CCTV installed immediately. And whoever you are, mole, next time I will capture you on film. Don’t say you haven’t been warned.

19 – My Response to Carotene Half’s Solicitor

You will have read the recent, obnoxious letter I received from Carotene Half’s solicitor last week (the chef of nearby Italian restaurant, The Bologna Pony) – the one in which he accuses me of saying all sorts of things about his “cooking” on my TV show. I said I would be responding in kind and I have done so, and so, for your entertainment, I produce  a copy of what I have sent him:

SolicitorLetter Back to Him reBiscuits2

Ha! Let’s see what he has to say about that.

I guess I had also better send a copy to my solicitor too.