32 – Barko Pierre White

dog-nose

My recent experience with Ainsley Harricot sneaking round the back of my restaurant late night has made me think that we need some extra security. And what better way than to employ a “security guard” who will never complain, always be loyal and can even chase away the local cats.

Yes, we’ve got ourselves a dog for the Sausage.

He’s a rescue dog from the local rescue centre and was apparently gifted there because some old dear couldn’t cope with him any more. But the rehomer from the centre assured me he is a perfect dog and has no “issues”. Not sure what she meant by that, although she did go into a coughing fit just after saying it so maybe she wasn’t feeling too well herself.

I’m sure he’ll be happy with us. And as I feel I ought to name him something appropriate for his environment, we have named him Barko Pierre White; Barko for short. If he’s half as scary as his namesake then we should have no problem from anyone.

He can protect us from those mad animal activists too.

31 – (Not so) Subliminal Messages

A new barista started work at the Sausage recently and she has been impressing our customers with her calligraphic skills when delivering their post-meal cappuccinos. Most baristas can of course make a nice swirly pattern in the foam of a cappuccino or latte, but Anika goes way further than that. She started one evening by simply writing a customer’s name in the chocolate on the top of the coffee, and then creating the Smoked Sausage “Signature coffee”:

cappuccino sausage 2

But one night, one of the customers had been flirting with her too much for her liking during the meal and when he asked her for her phone number, Anika responded with the following message:

cappuccino snogdog2

Fortunately, the customer found it as funny as my staff. And since then, Anika has rather let loose. Here’s a selection of some of her recent creations:

cappuccino trump2 cappuccino tip2

cappuccino rainforest cappuccino watchingyou2

The last one, as you might guess, made one or two of the customers slightly nervous so we have asked Anika to tone it down a bit. Politics and sexual innuendo is fine – psychotic waitress isn’t so good for business.

30 – Unveiling the Mole

sherlock

You’ll remember that only recently I almost caught someone who was rifling through my restaurant’s bins late at night. At the time I thought it must be the mole sent by Carotene Half, owner of the so called contemporary Italian restaurant, The Bologna Pony. And I had thought I had seen Ainsley Harricot running away in the moonlight.

Well, tonight the mystery was solved.

It only happened because Mad4Food TV broadcast my Biscuit Special two days ago, the episode which had of course not yet broadcast several weeks ago and yet Carotene Half had somehow found out weeks ago that I had, er, mentioned him in the programme. Then last night, one of my occasional regulars, Black Cab Trev, came to eat at the Sausage. He only eats here when he has done one of his early morning ‘special trips’ to Felixstowe to drop something off at the port. He never tells me what he drops off and I don’t ask (and nor, I suspect,does he).

Anyhow, Trev told me that he had seen my programme “on the box” and then he knocked me out with the following: “Not only that, Mr B, but then I remembered where I had seen your co-presenter before, Ainsley whatsisname. Right in the back of my taxi only a week or so ago. Strange it was, ” he continued, “Cos it was real late at night and I wondered who would want picking up round here at that time who I didn’t already know. Right outside your restaurant too. I didn’t think much more of it at the time, but then last night I clocked him again on your TV programme.”

Well, to say you could have knocked me down with a feather, Trevor, would have been absolutely true. I couldn’t quite believe it – Ainsley Harricot was the mole after all.

I made sure of it today when we had a production meeting to discuss next months’ programmes and I asked Harricot point blank if he had been at my restaurant the other night – and he didn’t even try to deny it. Just shrugged and said he’d been looking for something he could “get me” with. Waffled on about how he was still pissed off at me after I served him the dead-live rabbit in an earlier programme. But when I pushed him for more details he wouldn’t say anything. Until I said, “Why did Half put you up to it, Harricot? What were you doing for him?” At which point, Harricot quite genuinely turned pale and stuttered something about needing to leave and literally rushed out of the room.

So although I now know who the mole was, I still don’t really know why. Or what he was after. I don’t believe for a second it was based purely on getting his revenge on me after I made him look a little bit silly on TV. There were plenty of easier ways for him to try to get his own back than coming out to the Sausage late at night and looking through my bins.

I might have to confront Half himself.

28 – The Unhealthiest Foods on the Planet: Seven Course Taster Menu

unhealthy1

Eatthis.com recently published a list of the 50 most unhealthy foods on the planet – and for me, this was like a red rag to a bull. I just had to create a special menu from as many of them as possible. And the best way, I decided, was to create a 7 course taster menu.

So here for your delight and degustation is my limited-time only Unhealthiest Foods on the Planet: 7 Course Taster Menu. Dare you eat all 7 dishes?! (The numbers in brackets are where the foods appears on Eatthis’ list – I got in as many as I could!)

  1. Deep fried (#11) Chicken Nuggets (#4), battered in Sugary Cereal (#7) dried in liquid nitrogen
    ~
  2. Home-made Doritos (#24), Cheetos (#25) and Oreos (#26), with a selection of Smoked-Sausage dips
    ~
  3. White-flour (#40) breaded Tilefish (#2), marinated in Ice Tea (#1) with a Dyed Orange (#35) sauce and pickles (#49)
    ~
  4. Atlantic Salmon (#21) in a maple syrup (#20) sauce and Chips (#15)
    ~
  5. Chinese-inspired (#13) Meat balls made from processed (#10) bacon, sausage and turkey (#42), with tofu (#31) and a “mac and cheese” (#30) side
    ~
  6. Chocolate (#48) Muffins (#29) with Frozen Fruit Juice (#5) Smoothies (#18) and Dried Fruit Snacks (#47)
    ~
  7. Ice cream (#17) with crushed Candy (#6) and Microwaved Popcorn (#3)

Warning: This is not a menu for those trying to diet…

27 – Over the Moon

moon

Do I have an announcement for you! After months (years?) of watching other chefs get franchises and concessions everywhere from airports and theme parks to motorway service stations and posh department stores, I have finally got my own – and I promise you it is the ultimate coup de grâce.

It all started a few weeks ago when I was approached by an exclusive estate agent, Mica O’Manna, who offered me this one-time opportunity. Mica explained what I could get and I couldn’t believe it. It took me just 24 hours to decide and then I jumped at it.

So what is this great franchise, this incredible out of this world option, this one-time only amazing chance to put The Smoked Sausage really and truly on the global map? Hang on to your hats and let me tell you that I, Chef Christoffel Beyope, have bought the rights to be the only person who can build an eating establishment… on the moon!

Beycope on the Moon.

It’s got a ring to it, yes?

And what it means is that no-one else – no-one else – can open any restaurant, café, eatery, diner, food truck, food stall or even a fromagerie on the surface of the moon – just me. No McD’s, KFC, Ramsay, Noma or any other so-called popular eating hole – just me. And absolutely no Bologna Pony! I suppose I could sell them a sub-concession but, well, will I bol***** – it will just be me.

I do have to admit that when I first met O’Manna, I was a bit sceptical about the opportunity, but when Mica explained to me that in less than ten years time, there will be the first small town on the moon, and by 2030 there will be at least two or three major cities, accommodating upwards of one to two million people, well I couldn’t believe it. But it’s obvious if you think about it, I mean, where else is man going to go? We can’t all stay here on Earth? Just listen to Richard Branson or Nigel Farage. Or Donald Trump. (Well, maybe not Trump).

But the best bit, the best bit I haven’t even told you yet. And that is the price I had to pay. Go on guess, I bet you can’t.

For all the above I only have to fork out $250,000. That’s all! You can’t even open a restaurant in Knightsbridge or Bray for that amount. I almost choked when Mica told me that figure. It did cross my mind to tell him that this business was a snip at that price, but then I thought better of it. If he wants to make such little income then that’s up to him.

And just in case any other celebrity chefs are thinking of muscling in on the deal, I should tell you that it will all get finalised this week. I have already paid the $100,000 down payment by PayPal to O’Manna’s Cayman Island bank account, and I will be receiving the certificate and deeds any day now. (It was quite hard getting PayPal to accept a payment of that size but I managed it in the end).

Over the moon? You could say that.